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Funny Quotes Poems
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
• Dave Barry
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
• Natalie Wood
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
• Jay Leno
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
• Voltaire
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
• Joe E. Lewis
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
• Chris Rock
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
• Henry A. Kissinger
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
• Josh Billings
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
• Kevin James
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
• Dennis Miller
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
• Mel Brooks
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
• Frank Lloyd Wright
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
• Albert Einstein
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
• Robert Byrne
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
• Alanis Morissette
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
• George Carlin
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
• W. Clement Stone
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
• David Brenner
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
• George Burns
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
• Albert Einstein
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
• Benjamin Franklin
You're only as good as your last haircut.
• Fran Lebowitz
"Shoes are prisons for the feet."
• Joe DeMarco
The 4 Hundred and 20 Assassins of Emir Abdullah-Harazins
Adam and Eve were not expelled
from the Garden of Eden.
They jumped the fenceo
• Jay Frankston
