Read More About Funny Quotes
- Continue Reading More On Funny Quotes .....
Funny Quotes Poems
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
• Robert Benchley
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
• George Carlin
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
• Jerry Lewis
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
• P. J. O'Rourke
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
• Milton Berle
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
• Victor Hugo
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
• Bill Cosby
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
• Fran Lebowitz
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
• Cathy
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
• Mark Twain
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
• Mark Twain
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
• Naguib Mahfouz
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
• Erma Bombeck
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
• George Burns
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
• Marilyn vos Savant
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
• Zsa Zsa Gabor
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
• Phyllis Diller
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
• Emo Philips
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
• Lily Tomlin
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
• Woody Allen
I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
• Stephen King
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
• Steven Wright
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
• Warren Buffett
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
• David Letterman
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
• W. C. Fields
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
• Imelda Marcos
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
• Joe E. Lewis
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
• Paula Poundstone
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
• Fred Allen
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
• Stephen Fry
