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Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
• Henry A. Kissinger
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
• Bill Vaughan
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
• Mitch Hedberg
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
• Spike Milligan
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
• Jay London
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
• Ellen DeGeneres
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
• Angie Dickinson
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
• Mike Myers
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
• Margaret Smith
Never fight an inanimate object.
• P. J. O'Rourke
Never floss with a stranger.
• Joan Rivers
Never have more children than you have car windows.
• Erma Bombeck
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
• Robert Orben
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
• H. L. Mencken
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
• Saint Augustine
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
• Robert Orben
One man's folly is another man's wife.
• Helen Rowland
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
• Ronald Reagan
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
• Laurence J. Peter
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
• Lewis Mumford
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
• Samuel Butler
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
• Chevy Chase
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
• Ellen DeGeneres
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
• Don Marquis
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
• Ronald Reagan
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
• Oscar Levant
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
• Brooke Shields
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
• Alfred Hitchcock
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
• Joe Rogan
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
• Al Gore
