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Funny Quotes Poems
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
• David Lee Roth
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
• Les Dawson
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
• Norman Wisdom
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
• Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
• Emo Philips
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
• Rod Schmidt
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
• Mitch Hedberg
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
• Paul Lynde
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
• Bertrand Russell
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
• Howard Nemerov
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
• Bette Davis
I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
• Mercedes McCambridge
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
• Carl Sandburg
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
• James Brown
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
• Will Rogers
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
• Hillary Clinton
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
• Elayne Boosler
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
• Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
• Mel Brooks
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
• Lily Tomlin
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
• Woody Allen
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
• Lily Tomlin
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
• Laurence J. Peter
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
• George Carlin
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
• Rita Rudner
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
• Jay London
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
• Dave Barry
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
• Johnny Vegas
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
• H. L. Mencken
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
• Lenny Bruce
