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Men make love more intensely at 20, but make love better, however, at 30.
• Catherine II of Russia
"With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old "face" from the sixties a pin up gangster with a "mars bar" weal scraping his left cheek and of course two "wag" slags in tow trussed up like French Poodles with "Bratz babe" stares and Gucci Handbags"
• Saira Viola
CRACK APPLE AND POP!
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
• Groucho Marx
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
• Erma Bombeck
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
• George Bernard Shaw
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
• Bob Hope
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
• Kevin Nealon
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
• Yogi Berra
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.
• Claude Pepper
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Lana Turner
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
• Jerry Seinfeld
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
• Bill Cosby
All men are equal before fish.
• Herbert Hoover
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
• Casey Stengel
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
• Bill Cosby
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
• Hedy Lamarr
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
• Groucho Marx
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
• Buddy Hackett
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
• Tracey Ullman
Be obscure clearly.
• E. B. White
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
• P. J. O'Rourke
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• Jim Carrey
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
• Mae West
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
• Bette Davis
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
• Mark Twain
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
• Fred Allen
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
• P. J. O'Rourke
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
• Steven Wright
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
• Hesiod
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
• Jay Leno
