The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
