Sam's Fortune

It happened one evening in Wigan
at a certain men's club I could name
We were some of us standing round talking
And some of us playing a game
When all of a sudden Fred Higgins
Came hurrying into the place
And something unusual had happened
We saw from the look on his face.
"I've just heard the news," gasped Fred Higgins
Knocking back the first drink that he found
"Sam's uncle has left him a fortune
One hundred and fifty odd pounds!"

Then in through that door at that moment
There stepped the spoilt darling of fate
Walked the hero himself of our story
Sam, the heir to his uncle's estate.
And just as though nothing had happened
Sam walks up as cool as can be
"Good evening," he says to young Lily,
"I'll have a good strong cuppa tea."
"Ee lad!" returned Lily in fun like,
"You never came up here on tram?...,
You've got money to ride in a taxi."
"Nay, I'm going to invest it!" says Sam.

Before Sam has finished his stirring,
Mr. Murgatroyd draws him aside
"I've a small proposition," he whispers,
"A greyhound, her names Blushing Bride,
A fellow I know... knows a fella
Whose brothers a pal of two chaps
Who reckons her owner would sell her
For a hundred and fifty perhaps.
Imagine you owning a greyhound
And cutting an elegant dash
Champagne and cigars for the asking
While your greyhound is earning you cash.
You can't help but make a big fortune
Though you don't know a dog from a lamb!"
Replacing his cup in his saucer
"I'm going to invest it!" says Sam

Not half an hour later Fred Higgins
Comes up as Sam looks down his cue
"Ee Sam, I've just had a brainwave,
I'm passing it straight on to you!
The way to big money is pictures
Imagine the studio life
You sit in a chair by the camera
And send messages home to your wife.
'Don't wait up for me' you inform 'er
'I'm working till late on the floor
I may not get home 'til tomorrow
If the picture's not finished before.'
And when a young man plays a love scene
You show him just what should be done
And pick pretty girls for the crowd scenes,
Having taken good look at each one.
So you know where you are while its rolling
I tell you it's money for jam!"
But Sam shook his head as he went in off the red
"I'm going to invest it!" said Sam,

Old Briggs was the next to approach him
He went up to Sam playing darts
"Have you ever" said Joe, "thought of cruising
Around the south seas and them parts?
You sit on the deck in your yacht cap
While waiters fly round with a whizz
And Lady Fitznoodle comes by with her poodle
And says, 'What a fine day it is.'
She tells you about her rheumatics
You tell of yours once or twice
And the duke he comes out with a tale of his gout
And it's all very homely and nice,
Aye, all things considered I think you should travel
to Southport, Southend or Siam..."
As he finished his score with a neat double four
"Nay, I'm going to invest it!" says Sam

Then Lily chipped in with a notion,
"Take a tip, Sam from one of the girls
Opportunity this is to dress up the missus
And buy her a small string of pearls
Or get something cheaper a new carpet sweeper,
A piano or radiogram."
"Nay Lily" says he, as he paid for his tea,
"I'm going to invest it." says Sam.

Now just at that moment a stranger
Came hurrying into the hall
He looks round on the assemble
"Which gent..." he enquired, "is Sam Small?"
"I am" answered Sam "have you got it?"
"Rather" said the stranger "don't fear
When I called at the house your good lady
Requested I bring her up here."
"Outside?" queried Sam and we followed
He hurried out into the street
Leaving Murgatroyd, Sterling and Higgins
In amazement, profound and complete
That hundred and fifty you told us
'I'm going to invest it I am.'

"So I am!..." he replied "in an Austin
And I'm proud of me judgement." says Sam
"Goes faster than yon blushing greyhound
Looks better than filmstars on set
And as for the pleasure of travel...
Its equal I've not seen as yet.
'Twas one of them Austin big sevens
That do sixty on top and no buts
Developing 25 horse power
Not only got looks but got guts
It does forty miles to the gallon
Got plenty of room and good lines
If they gong us between here and Blackpool..." says Sam
"I've got ten bob left over for fines."