This is not the End of my Film Career

Look, I may be no Meryl Streep, but unlike that Daughter of the Revolution, I do my own stunts. Wig or no wig, I’m gonna play the hell out this part. For example, in the first scene, they wanted grandma to break a hip, so I gave them a broken hip: I careened from kitchen counter, over stools, and fell precisely on my mark. People know when they are fooled, they want the real thing. Do you know what I told the director when the “firemen” chopped down the door to save poor old granny? I cannot work like this. They are too pretty to put out fires.
I’ll just lie here until you find the right type to carry me off screen. The child actors—like my very own children!—grew tired of the delays and shoved the food stylist’s props into their mouths. It’s the same thing for this extended nursing home scene. I told the director, look the lighting in here is terrible, and there are so many characters at different hours, I’m not sure we even know what the story is anymore. I’ll have to review my contract when my son comes in for his cameo. Did I mention my daughter-in-law wrote the script? She keeps revising it, but the ending’s the same. Sure, I’ve heard the gossip that I’m being replaced by someone younger. One day, I’ll just walk out the door and into a location with better exposure.