Vagina Envy

1. Listening to the women laugh and chat at the end of the day, a man feels he is left out, alone, stranded. He is but an afterthought in her life, a period at the end of her day, or a mere after-dinner mint.

2. Whatever bliss a sufferer feels, he loses it too quickly, sometimes by tiny increments, often in a flash. His life, he fears, is meaningless.

3. You must learn to swim, a therapist suggests. But many who suffer from vagina envy are afraid of drowning. They dream of being pressed underwater, unable to surface, as sharks pursue them amid schools of shimmering fish.

4. Highly contagious, the disease spreads like bad news, starting in street corners and traveling quickly up and down neighborhoods before entering into bars and restaurants, schools and sanctuaries, and finally consuming entire towns.

5. A common cause: a man is left by a woman he loves. Every woman after reminds him of the first. She has the same hair color, eye color, the same giddy laugh. Every woman after reminds him of his failed attempts to win back the first, though he loved her only when she was leaving him forever, only when he knew he would never see her again.

6. The sickness gives off a distinct odor. It’s as if the air has been singed, and everyone should be wearing masks over the nose and mouth.

7. While most folks write of love and desire as blissful events, the men who experience vagina envy feel only resentment, sorrow and bitterness, as if there is an ongoing party of earthly delight to which they have never received an invitation.

8. There is no cure known by the traditional medical community, but the healers assure these men that they need not worry. Suffering is normal on Planet Earth. If they perform kind deeds, say their prayers, and accumulate good karma, they will be reborn as women in their next lives.