Phaneric Display No. 3: Slumber Party Cabaret in E minor

Dear Martha:
I got problems. For one, Andre, maa baby daddy,
is staying gone half da night. For two, when he do
come home, he cryin broke, claimin he ain’t got
no loot to put on my ALIZE. To top it off
he cain’t get wood. So now I’m tense, horn-nay,
and I cain’t sleep a wink. If dat don’t beat all,
whas really wizack is dat alluvasudden
maa bestest friend Shayna “da Hater” is woh out
N lit up every morning when we git together
to watch YOUNG & the RESTLESS (on her
bootleg TV). She B lookin all wile N smellin
like da bar AND da afta party. I got a stanky-ass
suspicion dat her N Andre is doin da nasty
on maa clock and dat he buyin her broke ass
licker wit maa diaper money. I wanna tear out dat
bitch weave and beat her ass wit da tracks
but I’m on parole and I ain’t goin back inside
for da likes of dat saggy tit ho.

ALL FUCKED UP,
Laquisha

Dear Laquisha:
Well, you know what they say: “no money
no wine, no lovin in time.” But “tearing hair”
is not the answer. Try couples counseling,
pro bono: watch Dr. Joy Brown and Tuesdays’
Oprah. If all else fails consult your local video
store and rent Dolores Claiborne.
Rest easy, my dear. There are ways.
All the best,
Martha S.