Breitmann In Politics

1.-THE NOMINATION
VHEN ash de var vas ober, und Beace her shnow-wice vings
Vas vafin' o'er de coondry (in shpodts) like efery dings
Und heroes vere revardtet, de beople all pegan
To say 'tvas shame dat nodings vas done for Breitemann.
No man wised how id vas shtartet, or vhere de fore shlog came,
Boot dey shveared it vas a cinder, dereto a purnin' shame:
"Dere is Schnitzerl in de Gustom-House -- potzblitz!
can dis dings be!
Und Breitemann he hafe nodings: vot sighds is dis to see!
"Nod de virst ret cendt for Breitmann! ish dis do pe de gry
On de man dat sacked de repels und trinked dem high und dry?
By meine Seel' I shvears id, und vhat's more I deglares id's drue,
He vonce gleaned oudt a down in half an our, und
shtripped id strumpf und shoe.
"Vhen dey ploondered de down of Huntsville, I dells
you vot, py tam!
He burned oop four biano-fords and a harp to roast a ham;
Vhen he found de rouge und email de Paris, which de
laties hafe hid in a shpot,
He whited his horse all ofer - und denn pinked his ears, bei Gott!
"Vhen he found dat a blace was ploonder-fool, he
alvays tell dem, sure:
'Men, sack und pack! I shoots mine eyes for only shoost an uhr.'
Boot if de blace vas fery rich, he vouldt say mit a solemn mien:
'Men - I only shleep for von half uhr more - ve moost
hafe tiscipline.'
"He vas shoost like Koenig Etzel, of whom de shdory dell,
Der Hun who go for de Romans und gife dem shinin hell:
Only dis dat dey say no grass vouldt crow vhere
Etzel's horse had trot.
Und I really peliefe vhere Breitmann go, de hops
shpring oop, bei Gott!"
If once you tie a dog loose, dere ish more soon geds aroundt,
Und vhen dis vas shtartedt on Breitmann id was
rings aroom be-foundt;
Dough vhy he moost hafe somedings vas nod by no means glear,
Nor tid id, like Paulus' confersion, on de snap to all abbear!
Und, in facdt, Balthazar Bumchen saidt he couldtent
nicht blainly see
Vhy a feller for gaddrin' riches shood dus revartedt pe:
Der Breitmann own drei Houser, mit a weinhandle in a stohr,
Dazu ein Lager-Wirthschaft, und sonst was - somedings more.
Dis plasted plackguard none-sense ve couldn't no means shtand
From a narrow-mineted shvine's kopf, of our nople captain grand:
Soosh low, goarse, betty bornirtheit a shentleman deplores;
So ve called him verfluchter Hundsfott, und shmysed
him out of toors.
So ve all dissolfed dat Breitmann shouldt hafe a nomination
To go to de Legisladoor, to make some dings off de nation;
Mit de helb of a Connedigut man, in whom ve hafe great hobes,
Who hat shange his boledics fivdeen dimes, und
derefore knew de robes.
2. - THE COMMITTEE OF INSTRUCTION.
Denn for our Insdructions Comedy de ding vas protocollirt,
By Docktor Emsig Grubler, who in Jena vonce studiret;
Und for Breitmann his insdrugtions de comedy tid say
Dat de All out-going from de Ones vash die first Moral Idee.
Und de segondt crate Moral Idee dat into him ve rings,
Vas dat government for every man moost alfays do efery dings;
Und die next Idee do vitch his mindt esbecially ve gall,
Is to do mitout a Bresident und no government ad all.
Und die fourt' Idee ve vish der Hans vouldt alfays keeb in fiew,
Ish to cooldifate die Peaudifool, likevise de Goot und Drue;
Und de form of dis oopright-hood in proctise to present,
He must get our liddle pills all bassed, mitout id's
gostin' a cent.
Und die fift' Idee - ash learnin' ish de cratest ding on eart',
Und ash Shoopider der Vater to Minerfa gife gebirt'-
Ve peg dat Breitmann oonto oos all pooplic tocuments
Vhich he can grap or shteal vill sendt - franked - mit
his gompliments.
Die sechste crate Moral Idee - since id fery vell ish known
Dat mind is de resooldt of food, ash der Moleschott has shown,
Und ash mind ish de highest form of Gott, as in Fichte dot' abbear-
He moost alfays go mit de barty dat go for lagerbier.
Now ash all dese insdrugdions vere showed to Mishder Twine,
De Yangee boledician, he say dey vere fery fine:
Dey vere pesser ash goot, und almosdt nice - a tarnal tall concern;
Boot dey hafe some liddle trawbacks, und in fagdt
weren't worth a dern.
Boot yet, mit our bermission, if de shentlemans allow-
Here all der Sharmans in de room dake off deir hats und pow-
He vouldt gife our honored gandidate some nodions of his own,
Hafing managed some elegdions mit sookcess, as vell vas known.
Let him plow id all his own vay, he'd pet as sure as born,
Dat our mann vouldt not coom oud of der liddle endt der horn,
Mit his goot proad Sharman shoulders - dis maket
oos laugh, py shink!
So de comedy shtart for Breitmann's - Nota bene - after a trink!
3. - MR. TWINE EXPLAINS BEING "SOUND UPON THE GOOSE."
Dere in his crate corved oaken shtuhl der Breitemann sot he:
He lookt shoost like de shiant in de Kinder hishdorie:
Und pefore him, on de tische, was - vhere man alfays foundt it-
Dwelf inches of good lager, mit a Boemisch glass around it.
De foorst vordt dat der Breitmann spoke he maked no sbeech or sign!
De nexd remark vas "Zapfet aus!" - de dird vas, "Schenket ein!"
Vhen in commed liddle Gottlieb und Trina mit a shtock
Of allerbest Markgraefler wein - dazu dwelf glaeser Bock.
Denn Mishder Twine deglare dat he vas happy to denounce
Dat as Coptain Breitmann suited oos egsockdly do an ounce,
He vas ged de nomination, and need nod more eckshblain:
Der Breitmann dink in silence, and denn roar aloudt, CHAMPAGNE!
Denn Mishder Twine, while drinkin' wein, mitwhiles
vent on do say,
Dat long instruckdions in dis age vere nod de dime of tay;
Und de only ding der Breitmann need to pe of any use
Vas shoost to dell to efery man he's soundt oopon der coose.
Und ash dis liddle frase berhops vas nod do oos bekannt,
He dakes de liberdy do make dat ve shall oonder-shtand,
And vouldt dell a liddle shdory vitch dook blace pefore de wars:
Here der Breitmann nod to Trina, und she bass aroundt cigars.
"Id ish a longe dime, now here, in Bennsylfanien's Shtate,
All in der down of Horrisburg dere rosed a vierce depate,
'Tween vamilies mit cooses, und dose vhere none vere foundt-
If cooses might, by common law, go squanderin' aroundt?
"Dose who vere nod pe-gifted mit cooses, und vere poor,
All shvear de law forbid dis crime, py shings und cerdain sure;
But de coose-holders teklare a coose greadt liberdy tid need,
And to pen dem oop vas gruel, und a mosdt oon-Christian teed.
"Und denn anoder barty idself tid soon refeal,
Of arisdograts who kepd no coose, pecause 'twas nod shendeel:
Tey tid not vish de splodderin' keese shouldt on deir
pafemends bass,
So dey shoined de anti-coosers, or de oonder lower glass!"
Here Breitmann led his shdeam out: "Dis shdory goes to show
Dat in poledicks, ash lager, virtus in medio.
De drecks ish ad de pottom - de skoom floads high inteed;
Boot das bier ish in de mittle, says an goot old Sharman lied.
"Und shoost apout elegdion-dimes de scoom und drecks, ve see,
Have a pully Wahl-verwandtschaft, or election-sympathie."
"Dis is very vine," says Mishder Twine, "Vot here you indrotuce:
Mit your bermission I'll grack on mit my shdory of de coose.
"A gandertate for sheriff de coose-beholders run
Who shvear de coose de noblest dings vot valk peneat' de sun;
For de cooses safe de Capidol in Rome long dimes ago,
Und Horrisburg need safin' mighty pad, ash all do know.
"Acainsd dis mighdy Coose-man anoder veller rose,
Who keepedt himself ungommon shtill vhen oders came to plows;
Und if any ask how 'twas he shtoodt, his friendts
wouldt vink so loose,
Und vhisper ash dey dapped deir nose: 'He's soundt oopon de coose!
"'He's O.K. oopon de soobject: shoost pet your pile on dat:
On dis bartik'ler quesdion he indends to coot it fat.'
So de veller cot elegded pefore de beople foundt
On vhitch site of der coose it vas he shtick so awful soundt.
"Und efer in America, hencevorwart from dat day,
Ash mit de Native Mericans, de fashion vas to say-
Likes well in de Kansas droples - de shap who tid not refuse
To go mit beoples ash vanted him, vas soundt oopon der coose.
"Dis shdory's all I hafe to dell," says Mishder Hiram Twine;
"Und I advise Herr Breitmann shoost to vight id on dis line."
De volk who of dese boledics would oder shapders read,
Moost waiten for de segondt pardt of dis here Breitmann's Lied.
4.-HOW BREITMANN AND SMITH WERE REPORTED TO BE LOG-ROLLING
ID hoppinet in de yar of crace, vhen all dese dings pegan,
Dat Mishder Schmit, de shap who rooned acainsd der Breitmann,
Vas a man who look like Mishder Twine so moosh dat beoples say
Dey pliefe dey moost ge-brudert pe - Gott weiss in vot a vay!
Und id vas also moosh be-marked - vhitch look shoost like a bruder-
Dat vhen Twine vas vork on any side der Schmit vas on der oder
A fery gommon dodge ish mit de arisdocracie;
So dat votefer cardt doorns op, id's game for de familie!
Nun, goot! Howefer dis might pe, 'tvas cerdain on dis hit
Der Twine vas do his tyfelest to euchre Mishder Schmit;
Und Schmit, I criefe to say, exglaimed: "Gaul darn me for a fool,
But I'll smash old Dutch to cholera fits and rake the
eternal pool!"
So dey cot some liddle ledders, ash brifate ash could pe,
Vhitch Breitmann writed long agone to friendts in Germany;
Und dey brinted dem in efery vay to make de beoples laugh,
Und comment on dem in de shtyle dat "sports" call "slasher-gaff."
Dere-to - as vash known py shoodshment und glearly ascertained,
Dat Breitmann hafe lossed money py a valse und schwindlin' friendt-
So dey roon it droo de newsbapers, und shbeech to make pegan,
Dat Breitmann shtole de gelt himself und rop de oder man.
Boot de ding dat jam de hardest on de men dat bull de vires,
Und showed that Copitain Breitmann shtood pedween dwo heafy vires,
Vas, pecause he vas a soldier - von could see id at a clanse-
Dey had pud him in a tisdrigt vhere he hadn't half a shanse.
For ash de pold solidaten ish more prafe ash oder mans,
Dey moost lead de hope verloren und pattle in de vans;
Und ash defeat ish honoraple to men in honor shtrict,
Dey honor dem py puttin' em vhere dey're cerdain to be licked.
Boot dis dimes it shlopped over. 'Tvas de dird or secondt heat,
Dat a soldier in dis tisdrigt had been poot oop und beat;
So de Plue Goats dink it over und go quietly to vork:
De bow vhen too moosh aufgespannt vlies packward mit a yerk.
Now Mishder Twine deglaret dat de ding seemed doubtenful,
Boot mitout delay he dook de horns so poldly py de bull,
Und shpread de shdory eferyvhere, dill folk to pliefe pecan,
Dat Mishder Schmit had sold de vight unto der Breitemann!
He fix de liddle tedails - how moosh der Schmit hafe got
For sellin' out his barty to let Breitmann haul de pot;
Und he showed a brifate letter from Breitemann to Schmit,
Vhere he bromise him for Congress if he shoost let oop a bit.
Der Twine vas writet dis ledder; for der Copitain Breitemann
Vould nefer hafe shtood soosh hoompoogks since virst
his life pegan:
He hat tone some rough dings in de war, in de
ploonder-und-morder line,
Boot vas hoockleperry-persimmoned mit dese boledics of Twine.
Howefer, dis ledder vorket foorst-rate - mit de
Mericans pest of all,
For dey mostly dinked it de naturalest ding as efer couldt pefall;
For to sheat von's own gonstituents ish de pest mofe in de came,
Und dey nefer sooposed a Dootchman hafe de sense to do de same.
5.-HOW THEY HELD THE MASS MEETING.
Dere's nodings in dis vorldt so pad, ash all oov us may learn,
Boot may shange from dark to lighthood, if loock
should dake a doorn;
So it hoppinet mit Breitmann, who in spite of sin and Schmit,
Gontrifed ad shoost dis yooncture do make a glucky hit.
Dey hat sendet out some plackarts to de Deutsche burgers all
(N.B. - Dish ish not mean blackguards, boot de pills
dey shtick on de vall),
To say dat a Massenversammlung - or a meeding of all dem asses-
Vouldt be held in de Arbeiter-Halle, to consisd of de
Sharman classes.
Now dey gife de brinting of de pills to a new gekommene man,
Who dinked dat Demokratisch vas de same ash Repooblican:
Got im Himmel weiss vhere he'd hid himself on dis
free Coloompian shore
Dat he scaped de naturalizationisds, und hand't found out pefore.
Boot to dis Deutsche brinter, de only tifference he
Petween Repooplicanish and Demokratisch tid see,
Vas dat von vash dwo ledders longer; so he dook
shoost vot seem pat
To make de poster handsome - likewise a liddle fat.
How ofden in dis buzzlin' life shmall grubs grows oop to vings!
How often shoost from moostard seet a virst-glass
pusiness shprings!
Van't klein komt men tot't groote, ash de Hollanders hafe said:
Mit dese dwo ledders Breitmann caved in der Schmitsy's head.
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6.-BREITMANN'S GREAT SPEECH.
Dis tale dat Schmit hafe sell de vight cot so mooch put apout,
Dat many of his beoples vere in fery tupious toubt;
'Pove all, dose who were on de make, and easy change deir lodge,
Und, pein awfool smart demselfs, pelieve in efery dodge.
Vhen de meeding vas gesempled, und dey found no Schmit vas dere,
Dey looket at von anoder mit a ganz erstaunished air;
But dey saw it glear as taylighd, und around a vink dere ran,
Vhen pefore dem rose de shiant form of Copitain Breitemann!
Denn Breitemann vent los at dem: "He could nichts vell exbress
De rapdure dat besqueezed his hearts - de wonnevol hoppiness-
To meed in friendtlich council and glasp de hand of dose,
Who had peen mit most oonreason and unkindly galled his foes.
"Berhaps o'er all dis shmilin' eart' - he vould say it
dere un denn-
Soosh shpecdagles couldt nod pe seen of soosh imbardial men,
So tefoid of base sospicion, so apofe all betty dricks,
Ash to gome und lisden vairly to a voe in poledicks;
"Dat ish to say, a so-galled voe - for he feeled id in his soul
Dat de brinciples vitch mofed dem vere de same oopon de whole;
But he lack a vord to exbress dem in manners opportunes"-
Here a veller in de gallery gry oud, oonkindly, "Shpoons!"
Und dere der Breitmann goppled him: "If shpoons our modifes pe.
Dere's nod a man pefore oos who lossed a shpoon by me:
Far rader had I gife you all a shpoons to eaten mit,
Und I hope to ged a ladle for mein friendt, der Mishder Schmit."
Dis fetch das Haus like doonder - it raise der tyfel's dust,
Und for sefen-lefen minudes dey ooplouded on a bust;
Und de chaps dat dinked of hedgin' saw a ring as round as O;
So dey boked each oder in de rips und said, "I dold you so!"
For dis d'lusion to de ladle vas as glear ash city milk,
Und drawd it on de beoples so vine ash flossen silk,
Dat Hans und Schmit vere rollin' locks, und de locks
vere ready cut;
Only Breitmann hafe de liddle end, und Schmitsy dake de butt!
Denn Breitmann he crack onward: "If any 'lightened man
Vill seeken in his Bibel, he'll find dat a publican
Is a barty ash sells lager; und de ding is fery blain,
Dat a re-publican ish von who sells id 'gain und 'gain.
"Now since dat I sells lager, I gant agreen mit
De demprance brinciples I hear dishtriputet to Schmit;
Boot dis I dells you vairly, und no one to teseife-
If I were Schmit, I'd pliefen shoost vot der Schmit peliefe.
"And to mine Sharman liperal friendts I might mention in dis shpot,
Dat I hear an oonfoundet rumor dat der Schmit peliefe in Gott;
Und also dat he coes to shoorsh - mit a brayer-book -
for salfadion:
I vould not for die welt say dings to hoort his repudation.
"Und noding is more likely dat it all a shlander pe,
So also de rumor dat vhen young he shtoody divinidy:
I myself, ash a publican, moost pe a sinner py fate,
Und in dis sense I denounce mineself ash Republican-didate!
"Ash Deutschers say - und Yankees doo - vhen der
wein ish in der man,
So ish oopon de oder part, de wise-hood in de can,
Vhitch brofes dat wein und wise-hood ish all de same, py shinks!
Und de only real can-didate ish der veller ash coes for trinks:
"Und dat ve may meed in gommon, I deglare here in dis hall-
Und I shvears mineself to holt to it, votefer may pefall-
Dat any man who gifes me his fote - votefer his boledics pe-
Shall alfays pe regartet ash bolidigal friendt py me."
(Dis voonderfol Condescension pring down drementous applause,
Und dose who catch de nodion gife most derriple hooraws:
Eshbecially some Amerigans ash vas shtandin' near de door,
Und who in all deir leben long nefer heard so moosh sense pefore.)
"Dese ish de brinciples I holts, and dose in vitch I run:
Dey ish fixed firm und immutaple ash de course of de 'ternal sun:
Boot if you ton't approve of dem - blease nodice vot I say-
I shall only pe too happy to alder dem right afay.
"Und undo my Demogratic friendts I vould fery glearly shtate-
Since dis useless mit oop-gecleared minds to hold a long depate-
Dat dere's no man in de cidy who sells besser liquor ash I,
Und I shtand de treadts free-gradis vhenefer mine friendts ish try.
"Ad finem - in de ende - I moost mendion do you all,
Dat a dootzen parrels of lager bier ish a-gomin' to dis hall:
Dere ish none of mine own barty here, bot we'll do
mitout deir helfs;
Und I kess, on de whole, 'twill pe shoost so goot if ve
trink it all ourselfs."
Soosh drementous up-loudation pefore vas nefer seen,
Ash dey svored dat der Copitain Breitmann vas a
brickpat, und no sardine;
Und dey trinked demselfs besoffen, sayin', "Hobe you
wird sookceed!"-
De nexter theil will pe de ent of dis historisch lied.